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I got scared the first time I thought about it. This idea of living my entire life in fear of what was going to happen to me tomorrow. If tomorrow was the day I was going to die or permanently indent the corner of the trash can into my forehead and just have to walk around looking like that. Content warning, I guess for death and gross stuff. For me it’s easier to give up and just say shit about it, cause it really is the only thing you can do sometimes. But I guess I forgot it happens more abruptly to some people and I kind of never really got the chance to lament not being able to wake up without pain since it happened to me so gradually I didn’t actually notice. In my case you lament not noticing sooner and THEN lament not being able to wake up without pain. I am so desensitized to it I forget not everyone else is. It's about your [[perspective]]
I want to hate the psionics who trip over themselves if they don’t have someone else to keep them on the righteous path like an electric fence collar. The idea of being that codependent on someone makes me sicker than [[CAT]] could ever make me. But I guess I get it. It’s easier to dig your nails into someone else than it is to dig them into air or something hard. Recently I’ve started turning them in on myself. It just happens to us. And it finally happened to [[you]]Cerulean Anomalous Telepathy is a phenomenon observed in some ceruleanbloods. Psychic abilities in affected ceruleans manifest from hatching and are especially potent if the offspring's genetic contributor manifested powers in their lifetime.
Considering the propensity for ceruleans to develop psychic abilities offset both the psionic advantages of lowbloods and physical advantages of highbloods, efforts were made to eradicate this instance from the gene pool. As the gene could not be completely destroyed without risking alteration to surrounding components in the combined genetic material of adult trolls, and the majority of ceruleans would never manifest powers leading to difficulty in early stage culling, purple and blue blooded geneticists worked to link the trait that results in the manifestation of CAT to severe neurological symptoms.
[[<|perspective]]I know Voxade got hurt before because he told me. Nothing ever broke, just dislocations or sprains apparently. This is the worst one though. I know this one is more serious than all the others. I know it’s good that Voxade is walking.
I got a slight headache every evening when I woke up and it would go away as I went on with my night. I remember the first night a headache happened and then the second one, it was like I could’t stop getting them. I accepted that they were going to be part of my awake state of being now because they were mostly harmless. Now it's permanent, and it hurts.
I have this vague conception of my life before this but it feels like it’s debris particulates orbiting me. My lived experiences feel [[discrete]] from my body. Every sweep feels like a ring and they're getting looser.Sorry didn’t mean to turn this into neurological hour. I don’t exactly have the best situation going on upstairs. Don’t know if you’ve noticed. These powers suck the life out of me and I don’t even have any extra eyeballs to see out of. But for now it's just a chronic headache. Nothing more and nothing less. It's like a continuous undercurrent, one long unbroken line, but it's never utterly debilitating. It's not so bad, not really.
I close my computer where I’m reading stuff about ankle luxation to try and get some decent background on it so I can actually be helpful.
<span class="valada">“So when do you get to take that thing off?”</span> I say professionally.
[[>]]<span class="voxade">“Like when I’m sleeping and stuff.”</span>
<span class="valada">“No, like permanently.”</span>
<span class="voxade">“...”</span>
I’m smiling and now my teeth are [[shining]].
<span class="valada">“Are you gonna show me?”</span>
[[>|>>]]Voxade hesitates and then unlatches the boot, slides it off, and shows me the nasty. Oh yeah, sure looks like it hurts. It even makes me hiss in [[sympathy]].
He gives me a weird look. <span class="voxade">“Haven’t you seen worse?”</span>
I need to defend myself. <span class="valada">“Well it’s still kind of gnarly.”</span>
He concedes. <span class="voxade">“Oh yeah, you can like... [[feel my pain]] or something?”</span>
Oh, we’re back on that erroneous line of thinking.
<span class="valada">“I actually can’t. I mean, I’m not trying to. [[I mean-]]”
</span>I collect my thoughts. <span class="valada">“So, I can’t feel what you’re feeling at all. I mean outside of [[sympathy pains]].” </span>
Voxade smiles at me with his mouth but looks worried. How many times do I have to [[explain this]]?
<span class="valada">“Voxade if I even tried to do that I would be on the floor or puking,”</span> I say reassuringly.
He gives me this concerned confused look. Maybe I’m being too casual about it.
<span class="valada">“I promise all I can do is change brain chemistry.”</span> I’m no empath. I’m not even [[empathetic]].
Voxade softens but still looks upset. <span class="voxade">[[“I know.”]]</span>
<span class="valada">“I don’t even want these powers. I can’t even do anything with them without it hurting. I mean even when I’m not using them.”</span>
<span class="voxade">“Okay. It’s not you.”</span>
<span class="valada">“Oh so you’re upset about the ankle thing?”</span>
<span class="voxade">“...”</span>
<span class="valada">“It’s gonna heal Voxade just give it time. That’s what bones do. Especially highblood bones.”</span>
<span class="voxade">“...I had to walk on it though. It might have caused [[irreversible damage]].”</span>
So? <i>I</i> got [[irreversible damage|>>>]].Voxade is still rambling. <span class="voxade">“I keep hearing all this stuff I don’t need to be hearing about how like, the tendons might not grow back the right way or it’s going to take longer because I did something wrong [[I just-]]”
</span>
<span class="valada">“What about prosthetics?”</span>
<span class="voxade">“I don’t want to get a prosth- a prosthetic foot? Are you kidding me?”</span>
<span class="valada">“It’s just a suggestion. You want a shortcut or not?”</span>
<span class="voxade">“Yeah, a suggestion EVERYONE’S been giving me. I don’t- ugh. No. I’m not going to [[do that...]]”</span>
Oh great I know what this is [[about]].<span class="valada">“It’s not going to make you less of a dancer to replace part of your foot.”</span>
<span class="voxade">“I guess. but it isn’t me. It’s something else moving for me.”</span>
<span class="valada">“Okay, but what if it goes inside? No one will know it’s there.”</span>
<span class="voxade">“<i>I’ll</i> know it’s there.”</span>
<span class="valada">“But it’s not bad,”</span> I say.
<span class="voxade">“I know it’s not bad, it’s just [[about me]].”</span>
I <<linkreplace "guess I ">>do <</linkreplace>>get it. The implant thing is kind of scary to me too. Metal mechanical simulacrums of structures inside me would freak me out. I already have something inside me that doesn’t feel like part of me and it’s [[always been there]].
I say I know because I do. <span class="valada">[[“What happens if you can never dance anymore?”]]</span>
<span class="voxade">[["..."]]</span><span class="valada">[["Sorry."]]</span><span class="voxade">“It's okay. It’s not like I haven’t been thinking about that. I guess it's not a bad idea to start thinking of a contingency plan.”</span>
<span class="voxade">"I just really, really don't want to give it up. I just-"</span>
Yeah I knew that, I think, you’re never gonna stop thinking about it until it goes away or [[you die]].
If you’re me then it’s when [[you die|>>>>]]!I know my telepathy is localized to one part of my brain. Some extra organ or node that stores latent psychic energy to be converted. Sometimes I think about vivisecting myself when it hurts really, really noticeably. But I don't want it to be clean and I don't want it to be sterile. It's like seeing and feeling the full force of blood in the aftermath would make it more real. I often have violent urges to [[rip]] something out of myself and the more violent it is, the more satisfying it becomes. I have to be the one to do it though.
They tried to get rid of it in the gene pool but they couldn’t so now it just sits there beating and sucking the same energy I expend stressing out over if it’s going to collapse and kill me. I just want to somehow convey it to Voxade that thinking about your pain excessively won’t help but at the same time I am literally [[obsessed]] with my brain.
<span class="valada">“Yeah my head hurts every day I just have to [[get through it]].”</span>Whenever I think about the hypothetical [[extraction]] I don’t feel like I shouldn't be thinking about it because I don’t have any intention to hurt myself, just to remove something I don't want.
Which would [[help]] me the most.
The thought of removing it quietly isn't enough
[[I want it gone]]
I want to [[reach in]]
[[And grab]]
[[And pull]]
...Oh come on it’s procedural I swear. I used to find like extreme vindication from that but now it’s more like something I think about to self soothe.
I say, <span class="valada">“It’s [[usually]] not that bad. I just worry about everything I eat.” </span>
Doesn’t sound like ‘usually not that bad’ as I’m saying it out loud but it’s [[USUALLY]] not that bad. <span class="voxade">“You’re scared every single day?”</span>
<span class="valada">"Yeah but it goes away."</span>
[[Voxade stares at me]]<span class="voxade">“...Sorry if I’m overreacting. I know you have your power thing and my ankle isn’t that bad.”</span>
<span class="valada">“I don’t give a shit ‘bout that,”</span> I say. <span class="valada">“If I couldn’t dance and I really liked to I’d feel bad too. You don’t have to get a prosthetic. I get it. I’m just saying don’t think no one else gets hurt cause it’s just a matter of time. Like you can’t avoid it. You’re not just unlucky.”
</span>
<span class="voxade">“I know.”</span>
<span class="valada">“Something was probably always going to happen to [[you|>>>>>]].”</span><span class="voxade">“I guess. I just wish it didn't have to be there. Like, my wrist would have been a better place to get fucked up."</span>
Or your head, Voxade that's kind of my whole point. But I stop myself again because my head is the nexus of my body and Voxade's feet are the nexus of his. The one part that controls and supports everything. I get it. I get it. I get it...
<span class="voxade">...Are you in pain right now?”</span>
<span class="valada">“Not really.”</span> I’m not even lying, I get moments of reprieve. <span class="valada">“If you can’t dance start [[singing]].”</span>
I never know how to comfort people but Voxade seems to quietly ruminate on that. Fuckin’ score! But I guess it makes sense. Find something lateral but different that you <i>can</i> do in the interim until you’re able do what you actually want to again. I guess it doesn’t require explaining. [[You get it]].
I can tell Voxade is having trouble sleeping and still stressing the hell out about our conversation so I brace myself and focus on the integrants. It's easy for me to follow along the [[sympathetic innervations]]
From the the [[suprachiasmatic nucleus]]It's like hooking a link to a chain underwater when I bind the adenosine ligand to the purinergic [[receptor]]. It slips a little at first but I slowly start to lower Voxade's intracellular calcium levels. If I go too fast, something in my own head pops like recoil and it hurts suddenly and sharply. It goes away just as suddenly but I'm scared I've [[already done it too much]]My nose and one of my ears get blocked. I guess this is far enough. Voxade can finish falling asleep on his own. I have to get better at this... almost done... [[close enough]][[I...]]Grab the bottle of electrolytes and [[drink it all down]]With the pills I forgot to take earlier