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I know it's not advised to be alone out in the open, but I like being alone. I love being alone. I’ve tried to make myself last longer in other spaces that only made me feel something sadder and darker, only because I felt like I was supposed to. Being alone isn’t so bad. Better than being with someone wrong-
...Wrong for me. She’s not a bad person. I guess I just wanted things to be different. But they weren't.
Why am I thinking about that now...? I wouldn’t say anything major or serious happened, or that I suffered from it. Some things happened that were just confusing. It wasn’t a good experience. But it wasn’t really anything else either. I could think about it or not think about it, and things would be the same. I can't think or talk about it the way some of the others do. I just have to be inside of it for a while.
<<linkreplace "Seeing">>The darkness of the back of my eyelids with an indeterminate start or end.<</linkreplace>>
<<linkreplace "Hearing">>Nondescript vibrations. With my eyes closed, they could be organic or mechanical. <</linkreplace>>
<<linkreplace "Feeling">>The good thing about never feeling anything very strongly is that I don’t think I could ever really hate anyone. At least not for something that they did to me- maybe only for something they did to someone else. <</linkreplace>>
I think I needed to be alone and silent. It’s been forever since all of my senses have had so much to do at the same time. So many things around me became blurry and unfocused, but I didn’t even notice it was almost everything until now. Technically, I needed to do this before now. It was something I needed from deep inside my body. But now is good too.
The world isn’t that bad either. It’s full of all the nice things if you can find them. But it’s not hard.
It’s nice to you if you just let things be. I learned how to watch my step. I learned how to walk around things delicately from dancing and stepping over wires and so nothing would be disturbed. You notice so many more nice things when you watch your step. You have to stop thinking you’re the only one around.
But not everyone is like that. I don’t need some show of remorse if you step on me though. It happens. I like being passive. I like making things easier. I’m not worrying about it, so why should you?
I just wish that it didn’t get mistaken for not caring. Blugh, because I do. Care, I mean.
Usually I mean it.