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<<cycle "$well" autoselect>>
<<option "Yes">>
<<option "No">>
<</cycle>>
<<timed 5000ms>><div class=fadein>[[...]]</div>\
<</timed>>
[[Why]]<span class="voxade">FA: do u want to come with us to pick up the beach</span>
<span class="valada">AS: To D*o what</span>
<span class="voxade">FA: clean up the beach
FA: cie wiLL be there
FA: and you can mEEt marani
FA: also you live way closer than me lmao it’s so unfair </span>
<span class="valada">AS: Sorry</span>
<span class="voxade">FA: about what?
FA: marani wants to mEEt you</span>
<span class="valada">AS: I’ll go</span>
<span class="voxade">FA: im so upset i live so far away it sucks so much
FA: but lol i dont think i could live in the beach or desert
FA: and come stay with me before you go back to your hive
FA: for like a wEEk
FA: iLL buy something for your aLLergies so we don’t have a repeat of last time</span>
<span class="valada">AS: I alreaD*y have it</span>
<span class="voxade">FA: iLL buy more and you can take it home
FA: bc i wont be using it and idk anyone else who uMMMM
FA: weLL i gueSS i just dont know anyone else in general
FA: i dont have anyone to spend time with unleSS i go to the beach no one lives close to me</span>
<span class="valada">AS: I’m going though</span>
<span class="voxade">FA: great but what’s wrong?
FA: like you dont sound like you’re lOOking forward to it and i reaLLy am so
FA: i just want you to</span>
<span class="valada">AS: I’m looking forwarD* to it
AS: Maybe you shoulD* move</span>
<span class="voxade">FA: i wouldn’t make it in the beach or desert
FA: not enough trEEs
FA: im tOO exposed</span>
<span class="valada">AS: You coulD* move
AS: North of that territory has preserveD* forests</span>
<span class="voxade">FA: its kind of a lot to move
FA: like would you leave the desert?</span>
<span class="valada">AS: We’re all going to have to leave</span>
<span class="voxade">FA: oh yeah
FA: but i dont waNNa think about it</span>
<span class="valada">AS: We have to</span>
<span class="voxade">FA: are u woRRied or something?
FA: dont project it onto me lol im gOOd where i am
FA: and ur at least in training already</span>
<span class="valada">AS: Sorry</span>
<span class="voxade">FA: its ok
FA: valada ugh
FA: stop being an empty auto response husk and talk to me :( </span>
<span class="valada">AS: I’m sorry</span>
[[...|>]]
Voxade types something else and deletes it and goes offline.
[[Ok]]
I stare at my computer screen thinking how much easier it would be to be to be staring directly into the sun. [[Maybe]].
<<cycle "$taiaca" autoselect>>
<<option "I'll go">>
<<option "What about Taiaca">>
<</cycle>>
<<timed 5000ms>><div class=fadein>[[Ask about Taiaca]]</div>\
<</timed>>I still don’t know where you are with her right now and it’s killing me. I guess you made up but I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t want the uncertainty I just want you to be together again. This doesn’t feel right. I don’t know how to combine these relationships. I like you with me and her. It has to be [[and]]. I don’t want to be with you and them, I know who I want to be with. I don’t want to meet your moirail.
My eyelids feel like upper and lower boundaries that contain only my [[computer screen]].I turn up the [[brightness]].
Light normally looks bright, but never warm. Raw sunlight used to give me the worst [[headaches]].This is going to end. I always know that. I don't think about things in absolutes anymore. Actually, I don't think I ever really thought about things in absolutes. Maybe I'm just too [[preemptive]] for my own good.[[I told myself wasn't going to think about it]][[And I tried not to think about it]][[I was impassive the whole time]]
...Maybe it would be easier to talk to Taiaca about it. I don’t want to bring it up. I just want the resolution to arise organically. I don’t even know what’s wrong or if [[something’s wrong]].
I’m calm but I can’t bring myself to be enthusiastic because my brain is swirling with numbing gas. I have to articulate my head to the side in [[discrete movements]] to keep it from hurting.
Next to Voxade I must seem spasmodic and erratic. Always brittle and tensed up and <i>sensitive</i>. [[Always Valada.]]
Always thinking.I’m going to go to this beach and spend the whole time getting passively maneuvered through the sand by the others’ force of will and speaking to them in methodical intervals until I can go [[home]].[[I already want to go home]]
<span class="valada">AS: Why don’t you come to my hive after?</span>
<span class="voxade">FA: why?</span>
<span class="valada">AS: Because it’s closer
AS: Wait why are you asking me anyway
AS: What about your moirail can’t she go?</span>
<span class="voxade">FA: ...seriously?</span>
<span class="valada">AS: That’s not
AS: Why D*o you want it to be me?</span>
<span class="voxade">FA: because i miSS you i kind of thought maybe you miSSed me tOO</span>
<span class="valada">AS: It’s not that. I just woulD* have thought you woulD* want to be alone with her
AS: For you know moirail purposes</span>
<span class="voxade">FA: okay sOOOO
FA: she and cie are matesprites</span>
[[HUH]]<span class="valada">AS: Oh ok so they want to be together then</span>
<span class="voxade">FA: nailed it</span>
<span class="valada">AS: Well shoot I guess if I D*on’t keep you company you’re gonna waste away to nothing</span>
<span class="voxade">FA: literaLLy do you want me to walk outside my hive and oFFer myself to the winds</span>
<span class="valada">AS: Not in those terms</span>
<span class="voxade">FA: so youLL come?</span>
<span class="valada">AS: No, I want you to come here</span>
<span class="voxade">FA: gUUUUUh!!!!!!!
FA: why...</span>
<span class="valada">AS: It’s closer</span>
<span class="voxade">FA: i know...</span>
<span class="valada">AS: My allergies</span>
<span class="voxade">FA: ugh ok. i know that tOO.</span>
[[I worry about you]]<<cycle "$say" autoselect>>
<<option "Say it">>
<<option "Don't say it">>
<</cycle>>
<<timed 5000ms>><div class=fadein>[[...|>>]]</div>\
<</timed>><span class="valada">AS: I worry about you
AS: I think you should move
AS: To the preserveD* forests north of the beach</span>
<span class="voxade">FA: theres no point remember we’re aLL leaving you just said</span>
<span class="valada">AS: ...
AS: I just D*on’t like the thought of you being alone</span>
<span class="voxade">FA: ive bEEn alone for my whole life though</span>
<span class="valada">AS: After your ankle, I D*on’t like the thought of you being alone
AS: AnD* you are completely alone</span>
<span class="voxade">FA: im not as alone as you think</span>
<span class="valada">AS: What are you talking about</span>
<span class="voxade">FA: i just dont think im alone here
FA: the whole reason i hurt myself in the first place was because i was lOOking for someone else</span>
<span class="valada">AS: Someone who leD* you to hurting yourself</span>
<span class="voxade">FA: no, it was my fault
FA: i wasnt lOOking where i was going or being careful
FA: but this sounds kind of weird but i think they were watching out for me?</span>
<span class="valada">AS: WHAT are you talking about</span>
<span class="voxade">FA: ugh i dont know i just fEEl like if they wanted to kiLL me they couldve just kiLLed me when i feLL
FA: i could fEEl someone watching me
FA: i heard someone foLLowing me home</span>
<span class="valada">AS: ...</span>
<span class="voxade">FA: okay yeah maybe it’s not what YOU would have done but it was stiLL
FA: i could walk and everything and
FA: no it didnt hurt that much but i was just vulnerable
FA: you would have duLLed my pain, right? i gueSS</span>
<span class="valada">AS: I actually woulD* have just carrieD* you</span>
<span class="voxade">FA: yOOOOu caRRying mEEEE?</span>
<span class="valada">AS: You’re supposeD* to be convincing me to go with you, right?</span>
<span class="voxade">FA: dont say it like that...
FA: i just didn’t fEEl as vulnerable as i should have thats aLL</span>
<span class="valada">AS: How is your ankle, by the way</span>
<span class="voxade">FA: geTTing beTTer
FA: im doing my stretches
FA: dont woRRy about me
FA: but visit me valada
FA: sOOn</span>
<span class="valada">AS: I will</span>
[[I always do]]<div class="past">
<span class="voxade">FA: and there wasnt anything left to talk about</span>
<span class="voxade">FA: but can i just ask u a question</span>
<span class="valada">AS: Are you worrieD* that I resent you cause of what I saiD* about your caste</span>
<span class="voxade">FA: yes</span>
<span class="valada">AS: Oh well D*on’t be
AS: I’m fine now</span>
<span class="voxade">FA: what about my moirail</span>
<span class="valada">AS: Lol no
AS: It’s fine </span>
<span class="voxade">FA: somehow im not convinced</span>
<span class="valada">AS: Well get convinceD*
AS: It’s fine VoxaD*e
AS: It’s not like anyone can even D*o anything about it even me</span>
</div>
[[I won’t read it from the beginning right now]]
<<cycle "$remember" autoselect>>
<<option "But keep it in the back of your head">>
<<option "Actually, don’t think about it">>
<</cycle>>
<<timed 5000ms>><div class=fadein>[[...|>>>]]</div>\
<</timed>><<if ($remember is "But keep it in the back of your head")>>I keep promising myself I’ll leave you alone forever. Eventually. [[Someday.]] <<endif>><<if ($remember is "Actually, don’t think about it")>>I remember every word like I always do but [[this time]] I’ll try not to think about it.<<endif>>
I really will leave. And it would be for my own satisfaction.
[[...|>>>>]]
I don't think I could ever really leave you, not really. Maybe if I get pushed too far. But you're not very pushy, and I don't know what that would look like.
[[...|>>>>>]]I just have to get there firstYou just have to get there first[[Review past conversation]]